The Five People You Meet In Belize (pt. 2)

A purposely mis-titled (satirical) anthology on the social structure of Belize

Open Instagram. Scroll a bit. Did you by any chance see a photo with any of the following tags?

#werkwerk #onmygrind #gettinpaper #flexin #workhardplayhard #onmyhustle #hustlin #youngniggarichnigga #onmycomeup #stackin #papers #stackstackinmypaperz etc etc etc

Of course you did. Because you're following a Belizean Hustler (don't blame yourself, we all are). This person has, in all likelihood, a rather average job, but has, through extensive mental gymnastics, convinced themself that they are Tony Montana and their 2012 Michael Kohrs watch is a rolly. Their theme song is anything from Jay-Z (no not Rick Ross. that song is older than I am) and their favorite drink is Nuvo.
These 'hustlers' who are typically male (though we all know the independent female hustler who don't need no man) and are famous for their mating call of "bwai mek we buy wah pitcha". Their natural mates are Belizean models.

The Belizean DJ. See Belizean model. Replace necessary words with "laptop computer" and "virtual DJ". (HERE I did it for you) Their mating calls include, but are not limited to "check out my mixtape" and the old faithful "I'm a DJ".

A relative of the Belizean W.A.S.P., the Belizean Bourgeoisie comes from money. “But Samantha, in Marxist literature, the term bourgeoisie refers to a member of the middle-class, not the ruling elite,” shut up. This series isn’t called Accurate Application of Communist Vocabulary Words. I’m not a Marxist philosopher and I don’t play one of TV. The Belizean Bourgeoisie is to the B.W.A.S.P. what the Hilton Family is to the Vanderbilts. Two sides of the same coin, with aesthetic differences. Where the B.W.A.S.P. will, as a prerequisite, have a home in Saint Georges (for these purposes, St. Georges takes on the role of Martha’s Vineyard), the Bourgie has has a vacation home.. somewhere. Anywhere, really. Where the B.W.A.S.P. is uniformed in Abercrombie, the Bourgie’s dress-code varies, but is typically more flashy. They’ve all known each other for ages, and so have their parents, and quite possibly their parents parents. They have MacBooks and went to B.E.S. or Hummingbird and they won't go to certain clubs because “I have a rolex. Come on.” Their names are generally recognisable by people who have never met them (people who, coincidentally, have many opinions about them, despite this fact), and they typically end up marrying each other, their mating call being “remember when Ms. Nisbet/my mom/your mom … when we were 9?”

A parvenu is a person who is a relative newcomer to a socioeconomic class. The word is borrowed from the French language mostly because straight up calling this section the Belizean Socialclimber would step on too many toes. Oh but I still did it. Oops. The Belizean Social Climber is exactly what I sounds like; post-Cruffy, with an end goal of Belizean W.A.S.P. (or Belizean Bourgeoisie). Hallmark signs of a BSC (we've got abrevs now, keep up) are pointless lies ("my dining table can seat 25 people" no it can't. why should it?), an almost religious dedication to fashion trends, an address book filled to the brim, a false sense of superiority and a total lack of loyalty. Do you have a boat? Is there a person who is always asking for you to take them to sandbar? Congratulations, you've caught yourself a leach. The final goal of the BSC is to almost literally single white female someone who they see to be superior to them socially. They want to be you, and when they can't, then want to be your best best best friend. The BSC will surround themself with B.W.A.S.P.s and Bourgies and then only date within the circle. He has to have a car, and it doesn't matter if he has a girlfriend (or boyfriend, where applies). This is how the BSC survives, sucking the life out of everyone around them. There are, however, very few success stories for the BSC, except for the select few who managed to snag a ring. Do yo thang, Dan Humphrey*. Do yo thang.

"Stop posting pictures of ceviche/Belikin/the sea/fry jacks/tacos" - the Belizean Expat. The BE is, put very simply, a Belizean outside of Belize. More often than not, they reside in Florida or Texas, and a fair amount were not as vocal about their love for their home country until they realised that comparatively, Milport is pretty cheap and having to sneak around to drink alcohol two years after turning 18 isn’t as fun as it was the first time around. It is often said that a Belizean permanently remaining abroad is an uncommon occurrence, and the Belizean Expat is nothing if not a testament to that. Spring Break? Belize! Thanks giving? Belize! Where do most of their friends live despite having been gone more than a year? Belize! But that’s not a character fault, that’s patriotism, right? And their mating call? I miss Belize.

That's it for this list, join us next time for five more chances to think I'm talking about you! (And five more chances to probably be wrong.) Happy hen-pecking!

*patron saint of social climbing

Side note: the original article was written a year ago, and was actually a school assignment. This one was written twenty minutes ago. Any suggestions for new archetypes are highly recommended and can be done in the comments section or anonymously on my tumblr, since half y'all trifflin. Once more, this is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. So get your panties out of a bunch.